Though all our own inner stories are sacred and to be kept in safe space, I know that our personal legends are everyone’s legend. Whether we realize it or not. So I share a part of my story of my latest Vision Quest (guide-program near Death Valley) because in some way it is also yours.
This story started on my last night on the Vision Quest where I held my own purpose circle (a ritual where you stay awake on your last night from sunset to sunrise). You sing songs, use a rattle, pray, dance or whatever arises. Deriving from the decision to stay awake for the life ahead of you, your new life, your way, your purpose.
I reached a high mountaintop, created a little circle with stones and placed my sleeping bag in the middle. Right when I was ready to start to tune into myself and the ritual came an incredible storm. The sounds of the storm were amazing, but ‘oh boy’ how they started to irritate me at some point. I mean, I wanted to stay awake for my new life and purpose: “DO NOT DISTURB ME WIND!”
I started wondering: What on earth did this have to mean? Deciding to stay awake for the precious life ahead of me and then this storm came (of course later I understood). I could only hide in my sleeping bag with incredibly loud sounds and force around me. Getting up could mean falling of the mountain. On top of that, the monthly feminine showed itself. And, of course, Inez felt it was necessary to go for the high mountaintop, for this ritual.
The wind kept blowing for hours and my flexibility had totally gone. The down-talk started to show itself. Thoughts grew and amplified inside of me: “This Vision Quest has failed”, ”I failed”, “I need to finish this ritual because otherwise it didn’t work”. I started to lower myself: “There is something wrong with you”, “You will not be able to manifest your dream and support others”, “You are not ready”, “You are not worthy of such sacredness.” It went on while the storm kept slapping me in the face like a madman.
Everything kept boiling up inside of me until I had reached the absolute boiling point. And there it was............... A decision came rooted from deep inside and the hero in me rose. I stood up, got up, almost fell of the mountain but stayed on my two feet.
I screamed, expressing how sick I was of that constant force of putting myself down. Truly, I was so sick of it. I knew darn well that I have a purpose as a human, I am worthy and that I could trust in that. I swore that I will no longer let myself be pulled down. I swore that I will see myself for who I truly am, with everything that lives within and without me. To honor and share my hearts desires and gifts with others. And to be there for myself and other people on their journeys. Together with the downtalker in me, the storm and everything of me, I stood in full embrace.
I fell on the ground in total surrender. The sun began to rise and I gathered all my courage and strength to go a bit more down the mountain. And there, on that very spot, was hardly any wind.. I couldn’t believe it!
I reached a total state of catharsis and burst out in laughter. This was crazy symbolic.
A sudden silence and peace came over me. The warm feeling of summer made its entrance. And when a ray of sun touched my cheek I knew my time had come to go back to basecamp, to the people.
While the sun was rising I walked straight towards basecamp. I hadn’t eaten for four days but I had energy for four people. When I slowly started to reach the guides, that were awaiting me, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. Seeing them made my heart beat with fulfilment. Their appearance, sharing this treasure, feeling their words and sounds vibrating in my whole body.
They gently guided me back to the ‘mundane’ world through the circle, gave me a warm hug and brought me to my fellow beloved desert companions. I drank a cup of tea, ate fruits, an egg and sat down in the warm company of them.
The sun came over me once again. It was just..... a beautiful day......